Unbreak My Heart: 5 Relationship Killers

Being married for almost 16 years, I've been asked constantly, "what's my secret?".  Honestly, there is no secret. Hard work? Yes. Communication? Most definitely. Understanding one another and respecting each other feelings as well as personal space is important. Learning to pick and choose your battles to love another day, while maintaining a healthy emotional balance can be tricky, but achievable. But how does it start? Being in a relationship (a committed one), takes patience. They require key components and without them you can find your relationship in "survivor" mode. No relationship is perfect, but it doesn't mean it can't be a happy one. With that being said let's take a look at 5 major relationship killers:

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories – overt control and covert control.

Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.

Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.

Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.

RESISTANCE

Some people may enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled – of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance – withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.

When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant – which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled - the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.

NEEDINESS

Many people enter a relationship believing its the other party's job to fill emptiness, take away loneliness  and make them feel good about themselves. You have to learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and to define self-worth. Don't rely on your partner or others to fill the void. Love and be in love with yourself first.

SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS

Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.

EYES ON PARTNER'S PLATE

Being acutely aware of what their partner is doing can be what's causing relationship problems, but offenders are completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. Being very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance or very aware of your partner’s addictive behavior, but not noticing your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner's plate you'll continue to believe that if they change, then everything would be okay....not!

RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS

All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you'll be behaving in one or more ways mentioned.

Learn how to take full responsibility of your feelings, actions and needs. Focus on moving beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior while learning how to love yourself  and define your inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn the tables, you can begin the healing process to the road of recovery and enjoy a meaningful relationship.