Honestly, you can be both; it just takes hard work, which some aren't willing to do. Nor can you rely one just one person to carry the marriage...it took the two of you to say "I do", it going to require that same energy, passion and committment to keep it going.
My grandparents have been married for 60 years and like most of or ancestors that was the norm. Now days, marriage last only as long as we are willing to tolerate. As soon as the newness wears off, we're ready to trade-in for a new model, instead of appreciating the one we're with. Don't get me wrong I know relationships grow stagnant, stale and you could just look at your spouse and want to throw a rock at them...buts it's ok to have those feelings just don't act on them. Instead introduce new ideas, talk things out, and try to "re-learn" your spouse.
Be the ice breaker. Communicate. Tell a dumb joke, recall a memorable pass time or simply just apologize. Suggest to cook dinner together, open that nice bottle of wine that has been collecting dust couple of years, and spark a conversation over dinner.
Earlier, I mention this isn't a one man task, the spouse must be willing to particpate in these excercises. No matter how much effort you apply to save and want to make you marriage work, your spouse must be willing to want to make it work too. Again, this is the very importance of communicaton. We don't have to be perfect, but we must be able to express our concerns, views, fear, and worries without having the other person feel as though they're being attacked. Immediately, some of us tend to resort to "guarded" mode and be on the defensive. When iniatelty we haven't done anythig wrong. LET IT DOWN!! Its not always about you....its about us; so be the listner. Take turns expressing your feelings, but don't project blame and/or faults. And by all means keep it civil.
Don't expect success to happen overnight...allow room for growth. I'm not to big on forcing ultamatiums either, we're all adults here. You're either going to do what you say or not. Moreorless, I think it's safe to propose a mental chart of progression, what you like to have accomplished by a certain time frame. For instance, suggest that you would like to partake in more activites in the upcoming furture. Much more like you would plan a vacation. Be clear in your suggestions; more quality time together, movies, walks in the park and so forth. We get so caught up in the day to day managing we forget we need to connect with each other in meaningful and personal matter. We want to feel in love again and stop feeling like we are just roommates. Once you both agree that marriage needs work, you can begin to try to fix what is wrong.
Lastly, stop holding out on the goods. Sex as a weapon is just torteuous and down right mean. It was created to enjoy and damn it we should take full advantage of it! Nobody should have to wait until their birthday or hoildays to get it in. Although those are wonderful occassion to have relations, but it shouldn't be the only time one will commit. Hell, I might not make it to my next birthday...then what? I understand our spouses may not be in the mood, so spice things up. I once read fore play can last all day. Touching, caressing, grabbing, kissing... you get the idea. Be clean! Funk is not a turn on. Wash and deordorize every orifice of your body, even before bed. You never know if you spouse want to go in for a late night treat or eat. It aint nothing worse than a salty this or musty that. Also, not every moment has to be planned, be spontanteous. But if you desire a planned rendevous, make it romantic, think out side the box. Seduce, intice and invigorate. Be the eye candy that is devilishly inviting! Become unresistable. Then take your spouse by the hand and make it an unforgettable experience; then like shampoo directions...repeat and repeat.
Start with these changes tonight and maybe, just maybe your marriage can be saved. Happy, Love, Sex, & Communication!
